She wants to see me and have me stay at their house, but my Have you asked your mother why she doesn't want to meet your partner?. Introducing a guy to your parents is a big deal in any relationship. Lie About His Job. Mom doesn't need to meet a drug dealer. Just saying. Danu Morrigan cut all contact with her parents in her 40s, when she realised why she'd never have a good relationship with them. By Joanna.
Let her be rude to your fiance. You've already chosen to spend the rest of your life with him. She hasn't accepted that.
Sooner or later she'll have to though, and maybe it'll go well, or maybe there'll be lasting consequences for your relationship with her. You've already made your choice, and now all that's left is the yelling.
Just get the ball rolling, you don't stand to benefit from putting it off any longer. You seem to be holding out hope that one meeting between your partner and your mother will somehow fix things between you.
It is entirely possible, and probable, that forcing your mother to meet your partner and have to force her you will, she's made that very clear will result in nothing but an unpleasant and awkward experience at best and an epic blowout at worst.
Marry your partner whenever you want. Tell your mother when that will be, tell her she's welcome to show up before, at the wedding, or not at all. Ball's in her court.
Your life's your own. This was an Othodox Jewish couple, with the groom's family recently come here from Russia by way of Israel. In the end, they got married anyway. It has been 15 years.
They are still deeply happy together. His parents still create friction, but did step up enough to host the appropriate ceremonies for the wedding, and keep it sufficiently on the level that they are able to be included as grandparents.
Sometimes life doesn't go the way it should. You may never get your mother to cooperate. For what it's worth, I think the delay and the soul-searching caused by the prospective in-laws stubbonness really helped this couple determine how deeply committed they are to one another.
Yeah, I know none of you meant that. I'm sorry that the way I wrote my comment made it seem otherwise. My point is that, in most of the likely scenarios that explain the mother's behavior, her "reason" is irrelevant to how Anonymous should act. And I'm curious too, but I doubt it's something that the original poster needs to clarify to get the best advice. Get the hotel room, and calmly announce to your mom the dates that you'll be in town. Reiterate your willingness to mend fences, and your desire for a meeting.
Give her the opportunity to behave in accordance with minimum standards of human decency. If she is not interested, then you don't need to go back, except on your terms- her actions have told you all that you need to know. If she wants to control you to keep you more of a child, just announce your plans to move forward much as Miko described. If you would like to meet him first, he'd be happy to visit you. If I were your bf I'd probably have gotten over my desire to meet your mother long ago.
I would have concluded that she's nuts and that I should stay the hell away.TAKE YOUR TIME - SAM HUNT (LYRICS)
You want to have a relationship with your bf and with your mother. You are being forced to pick. My advice is to pick the person who isn't forcing you to make a choice between them.
I am not a therapist but it sounds like she has some sort of avoidant personality disorder and your happy life is throwing the negative aspects of her own into sharp relief. She is stuck emotionally in some negative space and assumes by preventing you from moving forward, she can protect you. It's passive aggressive, very sad. I had experiences with my own family not acknowledging my own relationship. The cause was different they met her and I think felt she was unsuitablebut it was exacerbated by distance.
Your instinct to have her meet your partner is a good one. If there's a way to do that in a less pressured way, that may be a strategy that can get around the Mom barrier. We'd love to grab a coffee or lunch with you! If travel is too difficult, then I think it's possible that you have to go a different route, and be more aggressive.
If you refuse to even meet with me with my partner, then you are effectively blocking our relationship. If you choose to do that, expect me to cut off communication altogether. I think you need to seek help because your behavior indicates something psychologically wrong. I want us to be a family, but you are making it impossible for that to happen. It's possible some books on codependency would be helpful to you in thinking about this situation. I have no idea how similar the issue in that episode is to the exact particulars of your situation.
Has he met your partner? If not, is he willing to? Pretending my fiance — not boyfriend — fiance does not exist and that marriage is not rapidly approaching is not an effective fashion of expressing those concerns.
I will not be accommodating any visitation arrangements which split up my partner and I. Plans for one and not the other will not be attended. Eventually, we may opt for children and traveling with them will not be easy. You may not see much of your grandchildren if you refuse to visit the home of my future husband. You will want to take that into consideration, as well as the years you may lose with them should you plan to later, grudgingly, change your mind.
That will not be time you get back. Mom, I love you, but this falls most definitely in the set of choices which belong to me.
Furthermore, you are putting the needs of someone you don't live with or see often before the needs of your partner. Rethink your priorities and the solution here is easy. Your mom is a bully. And I have news for you I strongly suggest that you re-examine your relationship with this person.
It's not even that her love for you is conditional, but I fear that she is not mature enough or emotionally well enough to feel love for you the way you hope or imagine she does. While this may be painful to contemplate, it may also be the insight that will set you free from the bullying and the guilt.
There's something really hinky about the way she treats you. Likely she's not well. But whatever the cause of her behavior, please don't forget that she's an adult and can choose to get help or otherwise make improvements. You are not responsible for her choices, comfort, or well-being.
And set a date already - Congratulations!!! When you're dealing with folks like that, you have to make your choices that will make you happy, and set your boundaries and invite them to meet you at where you set your boundaries or be left out.
Do you want to meet us? If she wants to participate in your life, she does so on terms that are ok with you, not on terms she sets for you. If she doesn't, well, then, that's not your fault. Plan for your happiness with, or without her, and she can make the choice if she's going to be a part of it. Then stop playing games with her.
Ignore those who attempt to prevent that, even if they're family.
This was mainly because my husband is black and we are white and my mother is both crazy and racist. I didn't schedule my life around them, my husband and I attended family parties and whatnot, which my mother melodramatically refused to attend. Eventually they did meet up and to her amazement the world didn't end. When I told her that we were getting married, she said, and I quote: I told her that if she couldn't get it together enough to act like an adult, she didn't have to worry about seeing him anymore because she would never see either of us, or any resulting grandchildren, again.
My husband and my parents are never going to be BFFs, but the drama is at a manageable level. Sorry, but that is extremely important information to know here.
'I never want to see my mother again' | Life and style | The Guardian
Can you send that information to a mod? I've had somewhat similar problems-- my mother will always dislike anyone I date because they are Stealing Her Baby and this paragraph would pretty much describe us as well-- but hell, even mine would agree to meet the dudes. And she'll be polite to them, even though they could figure out she didn't like them. What this is probably going to boil down to is what I call "the Persephone problem," i.
Getting your mom to approve of the guy is probably not going to happen. Are you willing to marry him anyway if she refuses to meet him? Or does or doesn't meet him but hates him either way?
Which one are you going to pick as first? Because unfortunately, in your case you are going to have to pick someone. And you're going to postpone marrying the man you love because your mom's being batshit insane? Ask yourself what life would be like next year if your fiance were no longer with you, and you'd placed your mom's neuroses ahead of your love.
My folks pitched a royal fit, threatened to disinherit my daughter, so on and so forth until I was THAT close to cutting them out of MY life. What you have to do is live your life, make your choices, and go on. Eventually my parents even had them over for Christmas dinner which was a miracle on the scale of the Virgin birth. Unfortunately the marriage eventually went blooey but my folks, my daughter, and her children get along fairly well.
And they even get along fine with the ex during the rare times they see him. So, live your life, she will either come around if she has any sense at all or she won't. And if she won't, well, then that is her loss, right? Alia of the Bunnies at 3: I am taking all your words into consideration. To address some questions: She refused to meet my last boyfriend, as well.
This is way not normal at all. Set your date, and let her deal. In that case I think at this point I would cut my ties with that parent. You can't live in two countries, and even if your partner were a disaster, it's your life to live and to surround yourself with people who respect your decisions as an adult. And I think you probably might want some therapy, because this whole thing is just really weird and probably needs more parsing than anyone can do on AskMe.
Are you comfortable and ready to marry him, though? If so, do that. And in my opinion, dealing with this now will only help the relationship you have with your partner. Basically, mom can't call the shots any more -- but the only thing that will make her change is your own behavior and your own reaction to her.
You're an adult, you're in an adult relationship, and now you need to act like an adult. When you're really an adult, you'll know it because you won't need her approval as much as you seem to now.
'I never want to see my mother again'
Maybe that would help. Send her a good, old photo of the two of you together. Send a letter that expresses your deep disappointment that she is shutting you out of her life with this fear of hers. It is a rejection of you. And, again, I'm sorry but it sounds like she has a strange phobia or some sort of mental hang-up.
But, still, you've been patient. Time to move on. Vacation in your home town if you like, but do not agree to meet your mother without your fiance. You cannot force a visit on her, but she cannot keep you out of an entire city.
Invite her to your wedding. In general, you shouldn't agree to meet with her or your father without your fiance, but you could try to occasionally suggest things. It also matters what your fiance wants you to do. Don't contact me again until you have a schedule for meeting me and my future husband. This is stress your mom has created for herself.
She could lose this stress by no longer being so petulant and controlling. You're not going to solve your mother's problems by letting her manipulate you. If you're going to get married, it seems like you'd be more concerned that your mom's actions are very hurtful to your fiance. Being sympathetic to your mother shouldn't mean continued pain for your fiance.
Now, it's your turn. I have a very strong suspicion she will keep pulling this kind of thing for exactly as long as you let her control you with it. I'd be really interested in reading what your clinical psychology professor relative has to say about this. Any chance you can share within the limits of what you're comfortable with? She is also very resentful about relationships due to a troubled relationship with my father. This says it all.
I'm thinking that you actually being successful in your life and in your relationships is very threatening to her. I bet your mom is in a lot of pain, actually. How else could she be so cut off from her child in this way? I understand that her refusal to meet your partner is hurtful, but FWIW, it could be worse.
She could say horrible things about him, threaten you if you don't leave him, etc. I know - one shouldn't get credit for NOT doing something; just trying to give another perspective. One of my co-workers male married a woman who already had a child.
His mother didn't like that she already had a child that my co-worker didn't help produce something about not being related. He wouldn't stand for his mother's attitude. They got married anyway, they had another child, and his mother has still not met her grandkids.
She also has mental health issues. It's sad, but what else could he have done? This may sound weird, but your mom actually doesn't benefit from you trying to please her. You do your thing and get married, she has no choice but to accept it if she wants a relationship with you. Maybe it'll be enough to realize, "I should do something to improve my own life if I'm unhappy.
We need people to challenge us in this way to examine what's going on with us. If you don't live your life, nothing changes for her, and you don't get to live your life.
You really have nothing to lose. If she chooses not to change, that's HER decision. And what SMPA said. BTW, you may also find this book helpful. Time to make decisions, then tell her about them, not require her permission or approval to do things.
Share via Email Photograph: When this happened to Danu Morrigan she took what seemed the healthiest option: The thing is that the relationship in question was with her mother. She doubts she will ever see the woman who gave birth to her again.
And as her father sided with her mother, she doesn't expect to see him either. There is no legal mechanism that allows people to "divorce" their parents but, says Danu, 48, that is what it feels like.
Sam Hunt - Take Your Time Lyrics | avesisland.info
I think they are listening, but then when I get to the part where I say, 'so I don't see her any more', they suddenly shriek: You don't see your own mother? It was a nightmare. There was nothing else I could do …" So what did Danu's mother do that was so terrible? She classifies it as emotional abuse. It's subtle, but everything in our family life was all about her — I simply didn't exist, except as a reflection of her or to bolster her overinflated idea of herself.
But everything was about her — never about me or my siblings," she says. But I was a tomboy — a handbag was the last thing I wanted. She had no sense of who I was or what I wanted. Then when I had my son she was completely uninterested in him. The funny thing was, my mother wasn't especially bad — just her normal self. She didn't ask anyone how they were, or what they were doing, but went on and on about herself, barely spoke to my son.
I thought, it's not just me — it really is my mother.